It has been almost a month now since COVID-19 sent everyone home for an extended weekend. Thankfully, you and I have homes and families to be with during a time that feels uncertain at best. For the last few weeks, many families have been managing the schooling needs of their kids, as well as their regularly planned work/activities. This has added to the adjustment, as bringing school home requires shifts on many levels. Choosing this path is different from having it thrust on you with no preparation. To all of you in this situation, I send you my deep respect.
I home-educated my four children for almost 20 years. We had several reasons for choosing this path – training the mind and heart out of the home environment – and I learned many invaluable lessons from these years. Each child is different, and there is no one-size-fits-all in parenting. It turns out that is true in schooling as well. Every child has an IEP (individualized education program) and the colossal task as parents is to do our best to meet the needs at hand.
That leads me to what I want to share with you. Long before your kids ever went to school, you already had been their teacher. As parents, we are the first teachers our children ever experience, and we know our pupils very well. During this time, try to relax, knowing that everything they need to learn you have the ability to teach or get the resources needed to meet that goal. This is a temporary situation for most of you. You will get through it and so will your kids! Take this time to reconnect. Listen deeply to what your child is saying to you. Notice behaviors and attitudes that might need changing. Are there any gaps in the overall health of your child? Play. Sleep. Eat together. On the other side of the mandated rest, we will long for the quiet and lack of RUSH that is not the norm of modern life.
A schedule that honored my needs as well as the kids made life easier during the years my kids were at home. Figuring out how to create what works for your family is a process, so give yourself a break. When my kids were little, I thought in terms of blocks of time. I made rest times, school times, chore times, sport times – all different colors on our calendar, and moveable so my kids could see what we needed to do and when. This helped them be able to more willingly switch activities without complaining. As my kids worked through the high school years, meal times became schedule markers along with late night shows, games or just chatting. Keeping my kids connected to us was a high relational priority and hard work, but the benefits were many. First, they weren’t alone in their emotional struggles – we shouldered the roller coaster with them. Second, they had the grounding of childhood, yet the space of moving toward independence. Wouldn’t we all appreciate that as adults – padded risk taking? Finally, these hours spent set the foundation for the next stage of our relationship – moving on.
My parenting mentor always said, “Your greatest job is to work yourself out of a job with your kids.” It seems I am still learning that lesson today. Working yourself out of a job is painful, because it requires a "less is more" attitude. Once you have done the teaching and the training, the child has to rise up and own the work in order to be able to mature. The shift toward owning our lives can take decades for some. For others it seems effortless.This time “stuck” at home is a window of opportunity as a parent to see where you can be doing less and they can be doing more. Is the issue procrastination, hyper-vigilance leading to anxiety, a lazy habit, or lack of understanding? How can these days be mini-lessons in resiliency and grit with you leading the way? You can bet it will have conflict and frustration in the mix. Letting go is not for the faint of heart.
The only important report card during this time – and honestly, during all the years our children are with us – is the one that documents our unconditional yet boundary-filled love, our daily physical presence and our ability to move past our own issues so they don’t become issues our kids deal with. At best, we work ourselves out of our jobs very imperfectly. Knowing this gives you permission to show up heroically every day to bring your very best self to any situation you and your family face. Everyone learns by experience. It is my hope that this experience remains a life-long treasured memory in your children’s minds and hearts and for you, my friends, time very well spent in their presence.
