by Adrianne Lind, American Women’s Club in Gothenburg and American International Club in Malmö
It turns out that my Daddy was not the first man to live forever. The inevitable day arrived in 2021 when I would wake up with a father and go to bed a fatherless child. My beloved 95-year-old father would take his last breath. Our King is dead. Long live our Queen.
I was fortunate to be by the sides of my mother and sister, the three of us together with Daddy when he died. I arrived home on the first day of the week. My father stopped eating the next day and died just before the weekend. I know he waited for me. I know one parting gift he gave us was the gift of being together for his last days.
I didn’t have to suffer while receiving a phone call with this news. Neither my mother nor sister had to suffer while making such a phone call. Daddy died at home in his bed immaculate from head to toe. His devoted caregiver, who felt like family, performed her last act of service that morning. She cleaned my father from head to toe, as usual, and returned him to, what we hoped, was a comfortable rest. Daddy looked so peaceful. We looked so worried. And most of all, my mother looked so sad. All that was left to do was to embrace each other.
Here’s where preparation pays off
My father’s healthcare providers prepared us for what to expect as a loved one nears the end of their natural life. We received a guidebook and when I finally read it, after letting it sit for months, I was amazed to see how my father’s experience mirrored so much of what was predicted in the guide. For example, decreased appetite (Daddy simply stopped eating), increased sleeping, and saying that they see or hear a person who died before them. The End-of-Life Stages Timeline: What to Expect as Someone Nears Death is an excellent resource.
Know who to call next. In our case, it was my sister who made the first call. It seemed to happen in a blur while simultaneously playing out in slow motion. Daddy was pronounced dead, the funeral home was called, and we wept as he was taken away. That marked the last time we were who we were. BereavementAdvice.org compiled a list of What to Do When Someone Dies at Home or in Care. Bookmark it, print it out, and do what you can now. The more prepared you are the sooner you can get down to the business of grieving. The American Association of Retired People has a checklist of What To Do When A Loved One Dies: Practical Steps You Need To Take in the Early Days. This can help you can get ahead and be prepared to start grieving.
Why grieving the loss of a parent is important
There is no one universal grieving experience, as we are individuals. Your experience will differ from your siblings or surviving parent’s experience. Each relationship was unique. And grieving won’t be easier or more difficult depending on the quality of that relationship. It will simply be your grief and no one else’s. Healthline.com acknowledges that mourning the loss of a parent is complex and offers some advice on how to navigate these emotional waters, and DignityMemorial.com provides a comprehensive overview of what humans typically experience when dealing with the death of a parent.
Now imagine being separated from your family when the death of a parent occurs, making it impossible for you to experience their end of life and the ensuing communal grieving. The thought is almost unbearable to me but is a reality for many. You may ask, “What can I do for my family while mourning from a long distance?”. Cake is an online funeral and end-of-life planning website that offers these words of comfort and action items as an answer. They include traditional messages delivered by mail, writing poetry, to creating a memorial website.
Finding your grief
Depending on where you were raised, society has a hard time dealing with death. When we find ourselves grieving, others often don’t know what to say to us or what to do. And we don’t know what to say or do either. Are we strong for our families? Are we inconsolable? Do we turn into villains? I’ll admit for a frightening period I felt as if I was living the back story of how I became a super villain. I was left wounded, alone, and in need of looking at life through calloused eyes. My body produced a superb rash on my left arm that challenged two doctors before being defeated. I pulled my hair out with my own hands and watched in amazement as I did it. My blood pressure reached a point where my doctor wouldn’t let me leave the doctor’s office while threatening to put me on medication.
I wasn’t holding anything back it seems, yet releasing my emotions in this way wasn’t serving to bring me where I needed to be. Fortunately, there are people who devote a lot of time to helping humans manage grief. There is no one-size-fits-all for individuals experiencing grief, but no one has to figure it out or experience it alone. How to Deal With the Loss of a Parent: Psychologists’ Tips for Grieving, from EverydayHealth.com, has 8 tips worth reading. Some of it may seem intuitive which is comforting in itself, and others may be things you would have never considered which is also comforting.
While I write this article I am reading The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses Including Health, Career, and Faith. This book warns that incomplete recovery from grief can have a lifelong negative effect on the capacity for happiness. Who wants to hear that? Maybe you currently feel that way.
Grieving in a foreign country
I made the decision to spend as much time with my mother and sister following what we saw as the tragic loss of our King. Inevitability doesn’t mitigate the loss, pain, grief, and paperwork that is to follow. But what happens when you are finally removed from the loving bosom of your family and returned to the land where you’ve put down roots? Where you hopefully have loved ones, family, and friends established?
I wish I could say it was easy for me upon my return but it wasn’t. My time away was judged by some as too long. Yet the separation by long distance I was feeling and the responsibility for the unfinished business of closing a life was daunting. Not being recognized for observing a state of mourning was painful and the loneliness was more unbearable than usual. I was thoroughly entrenched in my grief and decided that was exactly where I needed to be. I was determined to continue working on mindfulness, breathing, meditation, mindful movement, and reading. All things I could do alone, with myself, with no need to speak or explain. I was able to listen to my body, calm my mind, cry, scream, and expand in the silence. Adjusting back to Life BD, before Daddy, seemed an impossible and unwanted task. Who can go on like nothing has changed?
But life does indeed go on. That is the gift our dearly, most beloved departed insist on bestowing upon their loved ones. Daddy gave me so much during his life and kept giving in death. He gave me the gift of knowing what it truly feels like to love and be loved. He gave me the power to love my mother and sister unimaginably deeper than I thought possible or practical. He gave me the capacity for self-compassion and forgiveness. He gave me the passion to earn a Yoga Teacher Certification. He cleared the path and built the foundation for me to work with other humans who are experiencing grief through curated Yoga for Grief Workins.
My father gave me, our family, and our community so much during his life and through his death. He just never told me that grieving his loss would hurt so much.
Adrianne Lind is a member of the American Women’s Club in Gothenburg, and the American International Club in Malmö. She is a past President of the American Women’s Club in Stockholm, past 2nd VP & Charity Chair of the International Women’s Club of Gothenburg, and past FAWCO Representative for the American International Club in Malmö. She is a current member of the FAWCO Human Rights Team and has served on other FAWCO committees over the years. Adrianne is a passionate overseas US voter advocate, community builder, blogger, podcaster, and Yoga Instructor. She is especially keen to help others work through their experience with grief and loss by sharing her Yoga for Grief Workins she curated following the loss of her father. Adrianne tries to quilt and knit, and enjoys cooking, reading, traveling, and most of all spending time with her family and friends.